Thinking

August 3, 2012 § Leave a comment

Hello World and how are you today? In my corner of the globe, it is very hot and very humid outside, and it has also started to rain. The humidity is making my hair frizz, and I realize it may have been a very bad idea to wear a sweater while trekking back and forth across my university campus today. Indeed, it was a very bad idea, and though I now know when and where my classes will take place in the fall, I also found myself sticky with sweat on the drive home.

Speaking of university, that’s where I’ll be in the fall. I fell into some sort of depressed state at the thought of going back to school again. See, it’s very scary. For one thing, I have to pay for each class and I have to pay for all my books. As if that’s not scary enough. I have to keep my grades up or else risk repeating the class and paying another thousand dollars for it. And if that’s not enough pressure, the institution keeps sending me letters reminding me that I am a ‘President’s Scholar’ and that I must keep my grades up to remain a ‘President’s Scholar’ and Engineering students have the biggest course load and it’s going to be so, so difficult.

Yet despite all my fears, I found myself feeling very calm and very relaxed as I sat in a green space on campus earlier today. I watched people walk by, swung my legs back and forth and enjoyed the strong breeze that told me it was going to rain soon. Actually, I couldn’t help but feel giddy at the thought that I may find my first boyfriend at that very place. I know I’m probably crazy for thinking that, and that I sound like some love crazed teenager, but a girl’s allowed to dream right?

The probability of yours truly dating are slim — Engineering students have some of the heaviest course loads and I’m going to attempt to tackle that while  holding down a part-time job — so I’m definitely setting myself up for disappointment in the end.

Sometimes, I wonder if it is even worth it to dream anymore, if it’s worth keeping the hope alive — the hope that something truly amazing will happen to me. And I’m still trying to figure all that out. I’m still trying to define the line between my daydreams and what I actually want to accomplish. It’s only just occurred to me that these are two very different things, and that the line that separates them is very, very fine.

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