When Words Fail
January 23, 2012 § 3 Comments
When I started this blog, I intended to keep it all about writing, and not about much else. Maybe I’d write about films and music in films because I love films and music with such an intense passion that one of these days I’d be hard-pressed not to write something about them.
(By the way, I recently watched Howl’s Moving Castle and it is wonderful.)
Yet the more I try to put things down on paper, the more scratches I make (I always write in pen), and ultimately nothing ends up becoming a final product. It drives me nuts. Not only am I a perfectionist, but I also like to see results. When all I’ve got are several pieces of paper covered with scratch marks and no end product to boot, I’m going to start panicking just a little bit. And then everything piles up: Biology projects. Calculus tests. Newspaper articles. Important documents and proposals. Sectional reports. Scholarship deadlines. University applications. Not to mention, I’m supposed to be cutting down and gaining muscle for the upcoming rugby season.
No matter what anybody says, it’s hard being a teenager. It’s hard being a senior. And that’s without all the emotional/hormonal crap we’ve all got to deal with.
When I stop and think about what I’m doing, I wonder why I’m doing it at all. Why don’t I party and drink underage like other kids my age? Why don’t I go out and get a boyfriend and spend all my time with him? Why don’t I go out and shop every weekend? Well, because I simply can’t. There are people relying on me to get things done. Heck, I’ve got the wind ensemble clarinet section’s grades hanging over my head like six round apples that are about to fall down.
And in that moment when I stop and think, I realize I’m kind of growing up. It kind of sucks, but I guess it was inevitable.
So what was the point of this four-hundred world ramble? I’m not ranting about my life. I’m not even complaining at all. I’m just thinking that when everything dies down, I can create something that I can be proud of again. I guess in retrospect, I went around concerning myself about my future and making connections that I forgot all about just me — that I’m a girl who likes to curl up with a laptop and a movie playing on TV. And that’s something that shouldn’t ever be forgotten.